Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
