I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
