I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
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