I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Randomize
