There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
Randomize
