I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize