I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
