I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
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