checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
