I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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