Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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