Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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