can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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