I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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