how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
You informed me your place was now a nudist colony and unless I was there to drink schnapps with the cat I had to strip.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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