Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Just helped a homeless man panhandle outside of Wawa, made him $6.31. Where are you?
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
You were trust falling into bushes
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Randomize
