I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
