i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
