My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
Randomize
