You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
