I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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