My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
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