He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
