Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Sorry about my life...
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
