My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You're like the curious george of whores
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
