if i can run in heels then i can drive
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Randomize
