Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
