I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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