i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
