your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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