everyone is single if you try hard enough
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
I've been back for one day and I've already given two bjs. Improvement from last year.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Randomize
