We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
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