Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
