me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
This house was built for laser tag.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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