u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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