I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
