I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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