Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I just found a bag of teeth...
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
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