Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
