I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
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