Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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