Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Randomize
