Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
