I haven't been this sober since birth.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
You've changed since you got that strap on
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
