Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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