Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
be right there i have to get my cape
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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