somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
