My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I have tasted many bathrooms
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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