Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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