You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
So hypothetically speaking.. say someone dropped their birth control pill in a hot bowl of soup, and it possibly disintegrated.. would it be just as useful?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
