I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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