I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
