dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I have his gate key so know he has to see me again.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
