Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
