do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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