Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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