maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
