I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
